Quietly
by ShinigamiDH
Summary: First fic,short and I was depressed when I wrote it.Sad,maybe...depends on how your mind works...


Quietly...  
by  
SHINIGAMI  
  
Warnings:angst,death,ficlet,OOC  
  
Rating:R  
  
This just popped into my mind when I was feelin' a low.I don't usually write shit like this but...oh well.  
  
I found myself wondering in the alleyways of downtown New York once again,like I've done so many times before.The streets are too hell for me,too much streetlights and neon signs illuminating it,too much people seeing me.I wanted to be alone again tough,really, I hate to be alone,because then I think.I don't like to think,I feel like going insane everytime I do...but I still do.I think I'm some kind of a masochist.Walking in an alley,faintly hearing the song Quietly by Guano Apes while torturing myself with toughts.I'm not afraid of the dark,I'm not afraid of being killed there in the middle of the night,no I'm not afraid of death.You know suicidal people are generally not frightened of these kind of things.I feel more uneasy in broad daylight to be honest.It just feels like people are watching me,knowing everithing I've done,seeing inside me...  
  
Hell,I didn't want to look at myself.I hate looking at my reflection.That's another reason I'm not walking on the main streets right now.I have no nerve to deal with my reflection in a shop window at the moment.I hate seeing the person on the other side of the mirror.The ever present smile never reaching his violet eyes.Like a jokers mask that hides the true face but not the true eyes.That face isn't mine but the eyes are.The hollow,emotionless smile fooles everione,it always fooles everione.They marvel at the violet eyes sparkling like jems,but can't see the source of the glee...uncried tears of sorrow and regret.They only see the glitter and sparkle in them,not the feelings.  
  
I always missed something and as the years went on I found it's rather a someone.A person I started to believe I had lost in a past life and couldn't find anymore.Maybe I'm insane,maybe I'm right,maybe both.But one thing's for sure: life isn't worth a penny for me and the only resurrection can be death.I don't know if someone loves me,if my friends love me or anyone else for that matter...anyone at all.I just wanna die.I'm so tyred of breathing,of crying and screaming silently unable to voice my true feelings.Tyred of feeling pain coming from deep inside,the loneliness.Something was holding me back tough.No,not fear.Death is beautiful.Morbid to think so?Maybe,but I always found death and mortality beautiful.Like a rose slowly fading away,dying...you can't say it doesn't hold a certain appeal to it.Death is not to be feared.For me it seems like the only resurrection I can get.One thing's certain,I can't live like this.To be alone...is the worst punishement in the world and I don't know what I've done in a past life to have earned this...but it must have been severe.Now I only want to end it all...  
  
I've been thinking about it for quite some time by now and decided a few days ago that cutting my wrists would be the best.See,I like to see blood flow,it makes me sick to my stomach but I like it never the less.There's my good ol' masochistic side again,ne.Now really,it just mesmerizes me to see the crimson fluid flowing from under the skin...in my case,the life slowly fading away along with it.It's a peacefull death,not like the ones I've witnessed,I've coused.Blasting bodies to pieces,shoot holes in someones body hearing the dreadfull screams of the ones you've killed...or the explosions...  
  
I slid down the wall of the alley and pull my legs up to my chest feeling nothing.No that's not really correct,I feel numb.No fear,no sorrow,no pain.For the first time in years I fel hollow,like a shell.Isn't it ironic?Finding peace atlast a few minutes I die,after surviving a war for Gods sake.I can't help but laugh at the tought.No army could kill Shinigami...then one teenage boy succeds...one Duo Maxwell.My laugh sounds out of this world,creepy,hollow like the rest of me.Grinning,with unfocused eyes I take out a blade from my pocket and hold it to my wrist.I sigh with relief before quickly sliceing it open,then the other one and drop the blade along with my arms to the floor on both sides of me.  
  
As I watch the crimson blood flow from my veins I smile.I feel again,it isn't a beautiful happy smile,it's regretfull and sad, a different kind of sadness...but for the first time in such long years it's real.Filled with true emotions from the real Duo Maxwell,not the joker Duo or the insane Shinigami but the real,lost little child that was burried for who knows how long under false personalities.I regret leaving my friends,my drawings-I like to draw,did you know that?Of course not.No one does.The real me likes drawing that is and no one sees him.My characteres are like friends,the family I never had,my manga are my own little world,a sanctuary to run away to when reality is too harsh.I regret cousing such pain.I regret my life and I regret leaving everithing behind...but there was no fear,no self loathing,I finally know what I feel and am smileing at the irony of it all.Everione loves me and I love them back even tough I could never show it for real...and the whole time I felt so horribly alone.Well...almost everione...I still don't know for sure about the one I love the most...Tears trickle down my cheeks at that tought, the crimson floods over the ground around me,soaking my clothes in red life.I wish I could tell him I love him,just once.I never did.I couldn't...but..what would it matter now.Would it have mattered if I had told him in the first place?Would he have cared at all?Sure,I'm not dying without being foolih for one last time,I left a note for heim plasted on the fridge. I know it's stupid and totally unreasonable in the current situation and he will probably drily state this fact once he reads it, but I want him to know.The note simply reads:  
Ilove you Heero,forever.Forgive me.  
  
Duo  
  
I start to feel dizzy and weaker by the second...then darkness...and no more pain... 


End file.
